I have been staring at this blank screen all week. It’s the reason why I haven’t written anything. I understand that this is bad blogging etiquette, and I really am very sorry. I think I might have finally found the reason why my computer screen has been void of content for the last seven days, with only a blinking cursor and the faint glow of the monitor to remind me that I am indeed signed on the computer and trying my absolute hardest to write something interesting. The reason is this: I sold myself a bit short in my first few posts. I made myself too good, too clean, too utterly, sickeningly perfect. I am not.
For starters, I am not always happy and I do NOT always look on the bright side of things. Sometimes I become overwhelmed by the slightest imperfection in my day. The tiniest bump in the road can throw me off course and leave me depressed and lost for a long period of time. I am not always all love and kisses for the people in my life – to the contrary more often than not I am left regretting my actions towards them. There are a few people who end up catching the brunt of my despair and anger, they know who they are, and hopefully they know I am sorry. Despite my best efforts to change these horrible behaviors of mine, they stay stagnant, never showing the least bit of improvement. It’s actually quite wretched and just thinking about it might throw me into a downward spiral of depression. No, I’m lying, but seriously, it does make me feel awful.
I smoke cigarettes like you would not believe; I alone could keep Marlboro in business. I know how detrimental to my health it is, so please no lectures. Do you think that stops me? No way. Actually, the truth is, every single time I see one of those damned commercials where they are talking about how buying cigarettes is like throwing your money down the drain – “Tobacco. It’s a waste.” Yeah well, that commercial just makes me realize I haven’t had a smoke in quite awhile and I should get to it. For me, those commercials just make the Marlboro man a little bit richer and my lungs a little bit more charred. Why do I smoke? Good question. Come back another day. I MIGHT have the answer – probably not though.
I am a daydreamer. Someone who likes to dream about all the grand things I am going to do in my life without ever putting one foot in front of the other and moving in the direction of that “dream.” I have a million and one excuses why I can’t right now but the truth is I don’t really have one legitimate reason not to. This can be applied to pretty much every aspect of my life from my dream of becoming a history teacher all the way down the line to one of the littlest dreams of mine; having all the laundry sorted, washed, folded and put away. I just plain suck at getting things done. I am working on this, but once again, progress is limited.
I am a chronic reader. Yes, reading is good. Blah blah blah. I know this, BUT not to the extent that you totally neglect your obligations to “just finish this one chapter” which will, for me, inevitably turn into three more chapters after that until I’m stuck saying “Oh no, look at the time.” Someone once told me I read so much to escape my life. I don’t know, that could be true, it sounds logical enough to me. I do know I do it entirely too much and that I really need to set some sort of time limit for myself. I really want to lie and tell you I am working on this, but I am not.
To further complicate things, my life is hectic at the moment. I’ve heard the expression “when it rains it pours” before but goddamn who ever said that wasn’t lying. This fall has been one minor issue, on top of another minor issue, on top of a big issue, until it is all wrapped up into one huge, gargantuan problem. And there I am, lying on the couch day-dreaming my problems away with a cigarette in my right hand (and I’m not even supposed to smoke in the damn house!) and a book in the other. I can be found doing this at pretty much all hours of the day, especially if I have something important going on. Like say, for instance, a few followers on a brand new blog I just created patiently waiting for me to post something worthwhile (I’m definitely humoring myself here).
Well, if you are one of the lucky few who have subscribed to my blog and after a whole week of silence were just utterly disappointed by this post please know this: I had to write something. I couldn’t stare at this blank screen anymore. And, my blog is called “my many confessions.” So, I guess it’s fitting. There’s a few confessions for you. I had to get that off my chest. Thanks for “listening.”
Oh, and P.S. I promise next time I will try a little bit harder to write something just a bit more interesting and thought provoking. Maybe.