I really wanted to write something today. I really, really wanted to sit down and write. In my mind it was going to be something worthwhile. Something decent, maybe even something good, but the powers that be (or more precisely, Mia) decided that that was not in store for me tonight.
It isn’t fair of me to blame it all on Mia, I did have all day to write something but, as usual, my day was full of a million and one menial little tasks that take hours to complete – I was going to list these for you but I am sure you already know what they are – stupid, time consuming chores that I loathe. That we all loathe. I also spent a solid three hours packaging, shipping, and doing the books for Clough’s Collectibles. We have only been back up and running for a week and we have already sold five things, which is promising. I hope. So, as you can see, it really wasn’t all her fault.
Some days Mia is extremely hyperactive, even more so than usual. She moves around relentlessly not knowing what to do with herself. I am not sure if these behaviors arise out of plain ole boredom, or something more “sinister,” if you will. I do not know if these behaviors occur because our old enemy, Mia’s sensory system, is being a menace. I do not know if she is in the beginning stages of an illness. Or, if it is just typical childhood restlessness. There are times when I can easily pinpoint that it is her sensory system causing the issues. It’s easy for me to see because she will do a number of things that are a dead giveaway – rubbing her hands or feet incessantly on textured surfaces, she will flap her arms a lot more on these days, she will try to take numerous baths in a short period of time and my least favorite of all, when she takes my hand and places it on her forehead and applies pressure, as if to say “Please Mom, take this buzzing inside my head away.”
Today was one of the days when she was constantly moving, but I couldn’t pinpoint a cause. I always try my hardest to be in tune with her but sometimes it just doesn’t work out and I am left guessing. I hate that. I hate secrets, surprises, and not knowing – in all aspects of my life. And I hate it most when it is applied to my daughter. I can say with absolute certainty that that is the part of Mia’s autism that I struggle with most. Not knowing. Constantly guessing. Wondering. Worrying that I am missing something. It’s almost as if I have had to become a detective; a profession I was never interested in. I am not good at problem solving and I don’t like to pry. But that is what I feel like I am doing twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, three hundred and sixty-five days a year..
And, truth be told, I am only human. I hate to admit this to you, right now, but I promised myself that if I was going to do this (write a blog) I was going to do it honestly. I would hold nothing back. I wouldn’t lie, I wouldn’t cheat, and I definitely wouldn’t sugarcoat my existence. Sometimes, when Mia will not stop I get annoyed. I get so annoyed that I can feel my blood pressure rising. I can feel my body tense. I can see my vision cloud. And, I don’t always walk away for a breather. I never take it out on Mia. I always (and I am ashamed to admit this but it is the truth) find a reason to take it out on Roger. I always, without fail, in my mind, make it his fault. And he totally doesn’t deserve that.
That is exactly what it was like tonight when after dinner I sat down at the kitchen table to write my blog. I sat down at 6:03 pm (I looked at the clock) by 7:15 I had barely written anything because every two minutes Mia needed something – I am not exaggerating, atleast every two minutes. She has a tendency to get extremely excited over TV shows. She even stims off of them. She will rewind and replay the same part over and over and over again creating her own little dance with the characters. This she can do by herself, but sometimes she takes it a step further and wants to watch a series of clips from twenty different shows back to back and because Mia is only in the beginning stages of learning to read I am the one who has to search the DVR to find these programs. I end up getting sucked into her stimming. And, once again, truth be told, I feed her addiction by always getting up and changing the show. That was what she was doing tonight. Watching a 30 second clip from an episode and then asking me for another one.
After awhile I couldn’t take it anymore. Instead of doing the logical thing, which would be to tell Mia “No way. No more.” I went to find Roger. He had only been in the shower for about twenty minutes at this point, and believe me if anyone deserves a long hot shower it’s him, but I wasn’t thinking that at the moment. Instead, I found some lame excuse to go into the bathroom and slam stuff, just to let him know that I was pissed. Actually, the excuse was pretty pathetic because what I went into the bathroom for I knew wasn’t even in there, but I guess that is irrelevant. How immature am I? And, how bad do you feel for him?
I know I feel pretty bad for him. He isn’t even mad at me. And I didn’t take it farther than slamming things – I think. But I still am ashamed. And I am going to say this here, so that I am held accountable for it, I am going to try a lot harder to do a few things. Four Simple Rules to use when I start to see red:
- Set more boundaries for Mia. The channel does NOT need to be changed that often.
- Learn to practice some calming exercises. Silly little breathing techniques, you know the kind.
- Steer clear of Roger when he has done nothing wrong and I am annoyed. Wrong by normal, reasonable standards NOT irrational standards I make up from moment to moment when a problem arises.
And.. most importantly,
4. Admit, on my blog, when I fail at the above mentioned rules.