I haven’t posted anything in quite some time, although I still write incessantly. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because I have been a bit dispirited lately and haven’t felt secure enough to advertise this. Again, I’m not sure why (about the dispirited part atleast). Life is good. Life is usually good. Life, lately, is unusually good. I’m finally chasing down dreams, and making them reality. I’m officially halfway through my journey in becoming a Dental Hygienist (and my teeth look better than they have in years! Ha!). Nonsuch Novelties has taken off and I have more orders than ever before – and a constant slew of compliments to go along with my work. Mia is flourishing, there truly isn’t a better word for how she is doing. And, yet, I can’t seem to shake away my own feelings of dejection. Sorrow. Incompetency even.
This is something I’ve struggled with for years. This is something I usually keep quiet, as I learned early on that covering up my own factual frowns within a blanket of counterfeit smiles is better. Better because it doesn’t make others uncomfortable, as vast majority of people just don’t know how you interact with someone who is sad for “no reason”. Better because it doesn’t make people think less of me, and before you tell me no, it is true. We live in a society that at best would rather not discuss the chronically depressed, and at worst deems them ridiculous because “life is hard for everyone” and those suffering should just get on with it. Although, it really isn’t that easy. Especially when one doesn’t even know what is plaguing them to begin with.
And so, I am constantly bluffing.
What most people don’t understand about depression is that it is a mighty foe. A puck that lurks inside the recesses of one’s own mind, sometimes being innocuous and other times being most harmful and offensive. Yes, this enemy, being as he is, is most tender where he is most painful. Sometimes allowing me to believe I am capable, only to knock me off my feet during the very midst. Leaving me to surrender myself to feelings of inadequacy at moments of importance. It is true, at least in my case, that he often shows his hand at the least logical of times. Laying down his cards of sorrow during the moments of my life when I feel the most content, the most happy*. Then, with his winning hand, I am forced to give over my feelings of happiness, because it is always what I bet on in this life.
Happiness. Isn’t that all anyone wants? It is all I want.
Yet, I am repeatedly knocked down. Although, I still try to fight. Telling him, and myself, that the road to true happiness lies within myself. Even though fighting him off seems to be a never ending battle, as the internal war I have waged against him for years shows no signs of abating. Combating such an adversary makes me feel feckless. Fatuous. Asinine. Impossibly foolish, as if I will never win.
Thankfully, for me, those feelings are ephemeral. As I know the veracity to be much different. Each and every day that I choose for myself to overcome these feelings of insufficiency I am indeed gaining ground, forcing my way through enemy lines and taking hold of his recently held territories. With each and every inch I am winning.
I will continue to pervert my rival’s aims by reminding myself of this truth each morning when I rise. I will continue to look in the mirror each morning and tell the woman I see staring back that she is capable of absolute happiness, and more so, that she deserves it. I will continue to practice power stancing and positive projection. I will continue to bluff until the lies I tell about my own happiness become a reality.
Yes, those are the weapons with which I will continue to fight off this dark menace. Those are the weapons with which I will win.
I feel happier already. I am happier already.
* I know “most happy” isn’t technically proper English but I couldn’t resist giving Anne Boleyn a bit of a nod in this piece. Therefore, I say, I am “the moost happi”. 🙂